I’ve been thinking about writing a piece on professional confrontation for a while now (I started writing this post back in 2019, as a matter of fact). I think it’s a skill that is expected of graduate students especially, but is not explicitly taught. And it’s something that I have a lot of room to grow in as well.
I prefer to be very non-confrontational, but have been working on being assertive over the years. Now I’ve learned that this is much easier when it’s confronting a friend about blowing you off then it is when it’s a coworker or a manager trying to push you into a corner.
The first thing that I do when I’m upset is consider the rule of threes:
- Something that happened really annoyed you or you took it personally–give the person the benefit of the doubt (it may have been a mistake).
- That thing (or something similar to it) happened again. This seems like it may be a pattern; process why exactly you’re upset and what you wish had gone differently.
- The thing happened again, it’s definitely a pattern now and if it’s still upsetting to you, go have a one on one discussion with that person.
The rule of threes helps me validate my own experiences without feeling like I am being dramatic or a pushover.
But what about when the problem remains? When do you get a supervisor involved? That’s what’s been on my mind and where I’m learning to grow.
When we are having issues with the people we work with as graduate students–be that peers, professors, PIs, research assistants, etc.–we need to establish and maintain professional boundaries. Academia is brutal enough as is without our contributing outright or passive aggressively to the culture. After all, these are people that we need to maintain working relationships with for a period of time, and we should act toward others the way we want others to act toward us. To build on the well-known golden rule, we need to work to be the person we needed when we were younger (be that who we needed as a child, who we needed when we were just starting out at school or in our careers, or whatever).
So with that, the three rules mentioned above are a great starting point. You need to check yourself, and then you need to discuss with the individual what the problem is. That discussion needs to lay out what is causing you to be upset and communicate what you need from that individual. Are you upset because the person doesn’t seem invested in your project and you need them to take more pride in their work? Or maybe you feel you were unfairly evaluated and need to clarify your understanding of the expectations so that you can ensure you and your supervisor are on the same page. Whenever possible, try to keep your boundaries clear and establish how you will respond to boundary violations moving forward (e.g., I will not do work for you if you are running behind on a project, or I am not the best person to teach you in this area and need you to ask another person for assistance). Whatever it is it is important to assume the best of the other (do not put them on the defensive), be open and honest about your experiences and expectations, and communicate what you need to successfully move forward in your professional relationship. And finally, FOLLOW THROUGH ON SETTING AND MAINTAINING THE BOUNDARIES IN YOUR ACTIONS AND WORDS.
If the problem persists, there are several ways that conflict can be addressed. It can be addressed through mediation with a supervisor, you can inform a supervisor of the conflict and ask them to help you create a solution (moving you to a different team, retraining a peer in proper procedures, etc.), or you can try to approach the person again and reenforce and establish the boundaries you need to maintain a healthy work environment.
If the problem persists, or if the problem is with your supervisor, it is okay to go higher up in the system. My preferred way of doing this is by seeking advice from a professional mentor, academic advisor, etc. They can inform you of the appropriate ways to take next steps based on the system your university has in place. For example, I had some issues with a supervisor this last year and my advisor recommended I talk to one of the training directors at my program. The director was able to help coach me in setting boundaries with my supervisor and set up monthly meetings to ensure that the relationship was continuing on in a professional manner without creating a tense working environment.
I know that this all may seem like I am approaching this topic with rose colored glasses, but I want to ensure you that I take this topic very seriously. As I mentioned, I despise conflict. It makes me want to run for the hills and live alone in a cabin somewhere. But failing to address the problems are only going to make them worse. Will things always go smoothly when you aim to address conflict in a professional manner? No. Will it suck going through this process? Probably. But by addressing conflict it enables us to grow in our professional capacity, as well as allows for growth in the other person.
We are not always going to get along with everyone, and I am certain that there are times when we can love people best by creating space and minimizing interactions with them. But that is a part of life, just like there will be times when people will be frustrated with you. I have spent much of my time in graduate school learning how to navigate conflict in the professional and academic spheres. It is challenging, but the growth I have experienced makes me feel incredibly competent to handle whatever my future can throw at me. I hope that the next time you all are struggling with a person you work with that you can take the time to discern the underlying issues, your needs and boundaries, and to put those boundaries into place as best you can.
The Young Grad Student 