2019

As the year comes to a close, I’d like to join the rest of the world in posting about how 2019 ended (and will probably make another post about my hopes and goals for 2020).

This year has had many demonstrations of love and support in my life–friends helping me pack everything and move, people visiting me from home, care packages, buying me food… while I have been so grateful for all of these things they have largely been in response to the worst parts of this year as well–having to move unexpectedly when I didn’t want to, my brother deploying, mental health difficulties, and having to deal with issues at school/practicum sites.

Due to the events of this year, I’m not really even sure what to write about it. A lot of times when I write I like to say what I need to hear, what I wish someone would tell me. So I try to make it encouraging, as it’s frequently the message I need to propel myself forward. But I’m not going to lie, 2019 has not been my year. I really took a beating during this revolution around the sun. Though it has demonstrated the strength of my support system even from afar, I am so incredibly ready for a fresh start.

I want 2020 to be the year that I am able to pull myself up off the ground from the beating that was 2019 and start again, stronger and more determined this time. I’m still processing how that will look. Truthfully there is still a lot of pain looking back at this time. It’s like poking a bruise trying to process this year. So, it’ll be a process. I’ll take my time. But for now, as I start to try to stand upright again, I will say this to one of my least favorite years: good riddance.

Supervision Thoughts

Throughout grad school you’ll have a variety of supervisors. Each will have their own experiences, needs, and style. Your experience with supervisors will seriously shape your experiences in grad school.

I have been lucky to have some INCREDIBLE supervisors over the years; ones that I have loved to work with and have helped me to grow in ways I could never imagine. They have been supportive and insightful, discerning when I need support and when I need corrective feedback. These supervisors have also cared about me as a person, and made me feel like I was safe, sane, and understood. If you’re lucky enough to have one of these supervisors (one of my supervisors this year appears to be going this way) then take in every minute of that time. Really push yourself to learn and grow in a safe environment. Be honest about your struggles and areas of confusion. This is the time to really lean in.

But what if your supervisor is… not so easy to click with? What do you do when you feel like you’re trapped with a bad supervisor?

There’s a few different things that can happen here. First of all, there is definitely a point where you need to get a new supervisor. Your safety and education are most important. Someone who is abusing their power and bullying you is never okay.

But sometimes you just have a bad fit. And that’s frustrating, especially when your peers have a supervisor they really get on with. I have a supervisor like that this year, too, just at a different practicum site. Here’s what I say to that: know what you can handle, consult with your school representative as needed, and make sure your requirements are being met. At the end of the day, sometimes we just need a warm body to get the hours required by our program. Is it ideal? No. But rely on the support in your program and from your peers. Be willing to learn from each other, and you can make up for some of your supervision woes.

As for the supervisor themself? Be kind, be respectful, work hard, and try to take their feedback with grace. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about you learning and making an effort to grow as a professional. The reality is they’re responsible for you on their license. They can still give you good marks etc. when you feel like it’s a bad fit. Don’t let them ruin your year or keep you from getting the hours you need. Advocate for yourself when necessary (I had to do this the other day–it sucks but it’s does make a difference when you are respectful but firm).

What are your best tips for working with supervisors? How do you know if someone your working with is a good fit? Let me know below!

Year 2

Well, it’s finally happened: summer is officially over, and I am officially a 2nd year in my program.

This summer was a wonderful couple of months of recharging. Essentially all I did was work, prepare my dissertation proposal, go to Disney, and spend time at home with my friends and family. It was the longest break between classes that I’ve had in over 3 years, and I could feel my heart returning to myself. I’m still tired, but not quite so burnt out as before and for that I am beyond grateful. But now summer has ended, and I am officially into my 2nd week of 20th grade!

There are a lot of nice things about no longer being the new cohort; I can be a TA, I have first year mentees, I know my way around campus, I am able to do more clinical work again, I have relationships with the professors and my peers, I’m settled into my living conditions… I feel like I have a place here in California, and it is so comforting to have that.

But 2nd year a notorious in my program for being busy. I’m anxious for that and being put to the rest academically and professionally. I have a public school placement to administer assessments (that I learned how to do a year ago with no opportunity to practice since) where my results will have a real impact in the life of a child, I am a TA for the first time in my life, I am still at my other on-campus job, I am proposing in October, I have normal classes, I will be seeing adult clients and have to figure out a new system of notes, emergency protocols, etc., and I am learning two new modalities.

These are all good things, but they’re keeping me in a constant state of business and feeling overwhelmed. I keep reminding myself of the good (like getting back to my true love: clinical work), and the beautiful benchmark that I will be receiving a MA at the end of this year, which will officially make me a MAMA.

I am excited for this year and all it has to hold. It will definitely help me to grow personally and professionally. For the first time I set some academic school year resolutions (anyone else do this??) that I will be writing about later, and I am eager to see how they play out. I’m proud of my work and am thankful for my support system who encourages and supports me in this wild endeavor. I am hoping that as I write out the good things it will help me to feel balanced, to remember the reasons why I’m here and to show me the light at the end of the program.

So, here’s to a new school year, new goals, new challenges, and strengthening the foundations that I’ve already built. I hope that wherever you’re at in your program you can find inspiration to keep going and motivation to stay on top of work and feeling positive about your journey.

PsyD Year 1 Reflection

I have been avoiding writing this post for a long time. I think that I have been afraid to look back and reflect on this year, and with reason, too. This year has been so incredibly difficult. I had to fully transition into living on my own, 1,000 miles away from my support system. I learned what it truly means to be a poor, broke grad student (my roommate and I lived out of a mini fridge and sat on the floor of our apartment for a month because we had no furniture), had medical issues, mental health flare-ups, bank account fraud, and a new, rigorous program to top it all off including hard classes, a heavy course load (18 credits a semester and summer classes), and the little clinical work that I was allowed to do was absolutely grueling. And so because of these things, I have not wanted to look back on this year.

But I think that to continue to avoid this reflection would be a mistake. And maybe that’s part of why in one of my favorite shows, Stranger Things  (minor spoiler alert?), Hopper’s letter to El really stuck with me (I’ve seen this season twice now and I sobbed both times for a myriad of reasons–don’t question it lol). But the pain is important, the lessons are needed, and the changes of life, hard as they may be, are a big part of what it means to be human. Life will always continue forward. Now, typically my existential angst and dread would go into a spiral because of that. But, slowly and with much difficulty, I am trying to learn how to accept and find comfort in these facts. It’s not a perfect process, and I have so far to go, but I am hopeful for the light at the end of the tunnel, and God’s guidance to lead me forward.

Looking back at this year, I have a lot of mixed emotions. But I am proud of myself for how far I have come, and my ability to work through the many obstacles that life has thrown at me this year. Yes, maybe I feel the weight of responsibility more, and yes I am nostalgic for easier times. I am a little roughed up and a lot less put together. I feel about 15 years older. And truth be told, I am terrified of the future to come. But I think I am starting to find my footing again; remembering the sense of purpose that God has placed on my life. And it’s in that calling that I can find the strength to move forward, regardless the long and difficult path that lies before me. This past year kicked my ass, but it also prepared me better than anything else ever could have. 

So, this year is one for the books. I am working this summer at an on campus job that will be able to accommodate my school schedule and TA-ship when classes start again, I am planning on proposing and collecting my dissertation’s data in the fall, and I am moving forward. I am hoping that the dreaded “3rd year slump” everyone is talking about was this last academic year for me, seeing as it was my 3rd year of grad school, but the 1st of this program, so jury’s still out on that one. Regardless, having begun to recover from the chaos and entering into my slowest period in about 3 years, I am finally feeling grounded, capable, and purposeful once again. 

I hope that, however the school year went for you, you are able to find comfort and a solid place to move forward from as we continue this summer and into the next school year. If you’re like me and afraid to look back on what this school year was, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself ample time. But do find the strength and courage to look back before too long; learn from your life while you’re in it, not years down the road. 

It’s Mental Health Month!

May is #mentalhealthawareness month! 🧠

Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social wellbeing. It can be impacted by our genetics🧬, life experiences 🏕, and family history 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦.

Mental health is just as important as physical health!💚

Just like there are things to do to maintain physical health like taking vitamins and exercise, there are things we can do to take care of our mental health. Some of these things include: connecting with others👯‍♀️, going to therapy🛋, getting medication if needed💊, getting enough sleep😴, staying active🧗🏼‍♀️and learning coping skills🧘🏼‍♀️

Throughout this month I will be making several posts about mental health! If there’s anything you want to learn about specifically, let me know!⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

LDR: Tips & Apps

Something that has been a part of my grad school story is dating. I met my boyfriend during my M.A. program while I was applying for doctorate programs. Much to my amazement, this wonderful man was the first one who encouraged me to attend my current program because he knew it would be an amazing opportunity–even though it meant I ended up moving 1,000 miles away. He helped me pack, he comforted me when I said goodbyes to loved ones. He even made the drive with me in one shot, and then he helped me unload and unpack everything in the middle of the night when my electric company turned on the wrong apartment’s power. He wasn’t grumpy about it, he was patient, kind, and supportive. He made where I am today possible; I could not have done it without him and I am so thankful. And now we’re doing long distance, which has been a new and challenging and rewarding road all of its own.

While we have a long ways to go on this LDR journey, I wanted to take some time today to share what’s worked for us and what I’ve learned.

1. Communication is key: if you feel like you and your partner need to work on your communication skills, and LDR will really highlight this. Talk about how you give and receive affection with one another. Make efforts to connect in some way every single day (even if it’s just a 10 minute phone call check in).
2. Effective Care Packages don’t have to be big or all the time. For example, my boyfriend occasionally sends me really thoughtful packages filled with goodies! I can’t really afford to send a large package (getting all the goodies, paying the shipping cost, etc.) so I do my own versions by sending him monthly cards, making a monthly playlist, and occasionally sending him gifts through amazon!

Go on dates. Yes, dates. Make a date jar of ideas for how you can spend an evening together and pull one out once a week. Something we love to do is buy ingredients to make the same meal, then we FaceTime and cook together and eat together. Some other options for date night include: movie nights, be fitness accountability partners, watch a show together, read a book together, and play games long distance together.

Count down timers are great ways to make time apart feel shorter. Always know the next time you’re going to see your partner; if there’s a possibility you’ll see them sooner that’s cool too, but set the timer for the set in stone days of reunion. Everything else will just be a bonus.

Be proactive and open with your partner. I make an effort to connect with my boyfriend every day, and I don’t expect it to be sunshine and roses all the time. When I’m having a horrible day, I tell him and vice versa. We comfort each other. When I get really exciting news (even if it’s small) I share that joy with him and we can celebrate together. I want him to feel involved and informed on my life: he knows my goals, who my new friends are down here, and my stresses. When we miss each other extra we build in an extra date to help. We aren’t mind readers, so we’re committed to being open and honest about where we’re at so whatever comes up can be experienced together.

Airport days get easier. They always suck. Always. I’m not going to lie about that. But the more you do it, and when you know when you’ll be together next, it feels a lot less heartbreaking each time you get through it.

Find someone who has done long distance before. I can’t tell you how much I have learned from people who have been in LDRs before me or are also currently in one. Whether or not they worked out in the long run, I have learned so much about communication, tips, and found comfort in community. This is honestly such a must and important support for our relationship that I didn’t realize I’d lean on so heavily.

Finally, there’s some practical apps, websites, etc. that you can use to help you connect with your LDR partner. Here are some of my favorites:

• Rabb.it is a website/app that allows you to watch movies and TV shows together long distance without having to sync up pressing play etc. You can make private groups and rooms to watch things together and it includes a chat and microphone option to hear the others watching. It can be finicky, but it’s getting better with each update!
• Marco Polo is a wonderful app that lets you video chat with people. You can make group chats or just talk to one person. It saves the videos and lets you save videos (your own or another’s) to your phone. It also tells you when people are watching live which is fun! It’s like a step up from texting and snapchat.
• Social media. Talk to each other across platforms: IG, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, tumblr, Reddit, etc. Share what you like and see so they can experience it all with you!
• Try out LDR specific apps like Between. They’re cute and a fun way to keep track of anniversaries, photos, and important events.
• If you and your partner like playing games together, try different ways of screen sharing or find an online place to play games together as a means of quality time. There are tons out there, so find one that works for you!

This has been a long post with lots of information, so if you made it this far thanks for sticking with me! If you have any other LDR tips, tricks, or resources please share them here! I’m sure I’ll be making more posts about relationships in the future and would love to learn more for myself.

Facing Nostalgia

How do you want to grow this summer, what are your goals? 🌿🌻☀️

I used to be very good at sitting in the stillness and the silence. I’d soak up the here and now, take time to appreciate the moment. But since I moved? Not so much.

I’m finding myself very nostalgic for times of wonder, joy, and curiosity. These times are typically burned into my mind through the places I’ve traveled 🌎 and the friends I’ve found genuine connection with👯‍♀️; this #tbt picture represents that to me.

I recognize that it is a blessing to have the support of my community and to have such wonderful humans in my life, as not everyone can say such things. Yet it makes it harder for me being far away; I fill the time I would have spent going on adventures with My People with jobs, homework, research, busywork… it makes me terrified for the summer because for the first time in forever I will be forced to look up and acknowledge that things have changed. 🆘

I want to spend my time this summer reconnecting. With the silence, the here and now, exploration, solo adventures with God. ✝️ Things I used to do a lot better. As I think of how I want to shape my summer (although it doesn’t officially start until June), I am hopeful to recapture some of what’s been driving me to homesickness and nostalgia. While my life is different, and sitting in that discomfort scares me, I will strive to embrace the changes and openly settle into my new life—without as much constant chaos to district me. We’ll see how it goes.

TA Applications

twitter.com/gradu8student/status/1121187394764464128

I am up for a could of TA opportunities for next year… I am REALLY hoping to get my foot in the door and to set myself up well for my upper years!

Got any advice for a new TA or for someone in the application process? Maybe something you wish you had known when you were in my shoes, or something you wish your TAs this year knew or did better or something they did really well?

Let me know your thoughts, I’m eager to hear what everyone has to say!

Prevention Work

This week I got to work with high schoolers providing education and information around human trafficking as a prevention effort in the community.

Now if you know me, you know I love high schoolers so this was absolutely the best day for me. It was so much fun getting to be a part of this day and to see students wanting to learn and caring about this important issue!

They went through different stations so to speak, so we had a bunch of small groups meeting. I led a discussion on resilience: defining it, providing examples, and discussing the important role it plays in the lives of survivors.

It made me to hyped. I get such life and joy from working with high school students. I couldn’t imagine a better way to give me a boost before finals begins for spring semester.

I also got to go to a baseball game that was WILD from start to finish (game didn’t end until after 11:00) with a bunch of friends from my cohort and my roommate which was just a wonderful time and day.

This week has really taken a turn for the better that I needed in my life and I am so excited to take advantage of the better mood and circumstances that I’m in now. Maybe there’s something about Holy Week that brought out the good in the world.

I don’t have class today because it is Good Friday, and I am hoping to use this day to get back down to business and see a friend. I’m thankful for Jesus and who He is extra this week especially, and I’m hoping that I can celebrate His death and resurrection with joy and full attention.

Supporting Peers

Okay this is really on my heart today as I just came from a pretty brutal group supervision today, and we recently had student government elections that my peers were running in. It’s been rough, and apparently you can tell. As one of my professors put it today:

You guys are usually buzzing with energy at the beginning of class and today you’re all looking like zombies… are you okay?

And that’s the Big Question, isn’t it? Are you okay? As I’m pondering all of this in consideration of my peers–the harsh comments, lost elections, the general lack of encouragement– I am wondering how to best support those around me.

Sometimes it gets so easy to get lost in my own anxiety, my own assignments, my own agenda, that it is easy to overlook those beside us. Being in a cohort model especially, I am not as concerned about the competitive nature that could easy consume grad students. This gives me a unique opportunity to think about those around me and how I can possibly throw a lifeline to someone.

Now, you all know I’m a broke grad student who can’t be buying everyone a round of pick-me-up coffee. But that doesn’t mean I am helpless! This week I am going to commit to doing something nice for someone in my cohort. And if it goes well, maybe I will continue to do this once a week until the end of the school year! I’d like to invite you all to join in with me and find someone in your life who you can show a little extra support. You never know what small act of kindness can turn into someone’s lifeline.

Here’s some FREE nice things you can do for someone this week:

• Write them a note of encouragement
• Give your peers a genuine compliment (on their work, appearance, etc.)
• Ask someone how they are and mean it–make time to have this conversation well

Send someone a positive text if you notice they’re a little off

Offer to edit someone’s paper if they want a second set of eyes

Write someone you’ve worked with a recommendation on LinkedIn

Try to include the human who gets left out of conversations and events

Send an email of gratitude to a mentor or professor who is important to you

Try to be electronic free when having conversations with people this week

Invite someone to study or eat or take a break with you

We all need a little boost now and then (or often). Think about the people who have made a difference in your life during school and how you can pay it forward.

Got something else to add to my list of random acts of kindness? Share them in the comments! 💖

Sometimes It Feels Pointless

Sometimes school is dumb–confusing assignments, excessive busy work, really particular professors. Other times is super frustrating–stressed out peers butting heads, miscommunications, family and friends not understanding where you’re coming from. And sometimes the classes feel pointless. For whatever reason that be to you: not applicable to your speciality, the course material isn’t new to you, or like me you’re taking intro classes for the 3rd (+) time in 6 years.

It might be hard in these times to understand what possessed you to continue your education. I don’t blame you. I think since moving I’ve questioned myself and choices already 100 times.

So whether you hate your classes, are completely overwhelmed with homework, your having trouble with family or friends or peers, I hope you can hold onto the hope of your long term dreams. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing this is all temporary. And I know that you can get through it somehow.

As for me, I’m 100% fed up with life right now. Nothing is going quite the way I had planned and I’m trying to adapt and move forward. Even if that means I have to disconnect and work on autopilot for a while and survive on pure stubborn force of will alone: I will finish this school year, get this degree, and complete what I set out to do. And I believe you all will, too (just hopefully less dramatically than how I’m feeling right now).

How do you keep yourself motivated or get out of a rut or find the determination to keep grinding when you have to? Share in the comments!

On Coping and Studying: New School Personalities

This semester has been really interesting for me. My new cohort’s culture is so different from my last–largely because of the different age range (my age-early 30’s) and life stages (ex: only one person has a kid, who just turned one). This has made me aware of some new personalities (so to speak) that can come out for younger people when starting grad school, which are as follows:

1. I Have to Prove Myself

This one is definitely where I was when I started grad school–I was self conscious about my age and so worked hard to earn the respect and approval of my peers. This personality is a type of overachiever, a humble-bragger, stubborn, and individualistic. This personality can be great at providing resources for others and providing encouragement to their peers who doubt themselves.

2. Fake It Til You Make It

This type of person is also an overachiever and may be insecure, compare themselves to others, and struggle reaching out for help when they need it. They work hard to keep up appearances and want to be viewed as an example. This personality is great at getting things started, tackling new challenges, and maintaining a positive outlook.

3. Can We Panic Now?

This type of person likely feels overwhelmed, but rather than hiding it like the Fake It Till You Make It or I Have To Prove Myself personalities, they vocalize their concerns in potentially chaotic manners. Every hill feels like a mountain, and validation can come from commiserating with others. This person helps balance the group and feels that wherever people are at should be accepted.

4. Band of Brothers

This type of person is all about the group. They’re usually pretty social and can be a motivator in the group. They focus on the relationships and sometimes may get lost or behind in their own work while the process of trying to save someone else. The group is family, and needs shouldn’t be met outside the group unless absolutely necessary. This person is great at encouraging people and boosting group morale.

5. Smile and Wave

This kind of person might not always be up to date with what’s going on, but they aren’t necessarily mad about it either. They try their best and get things done, even if they aren’t sure how they ended up in school or passing assignments in the first place. This personality is similar to the Fake It Till You Make It person, but is okay if they don’t stand out too much from the crowd. They care more about the final product than the process. This personality is great at showing people that the point is they did their job to the best of their ability, regardless of how the got there.

Perhaps some of these descriptions sound a little harsh–please know that was not my intent. These personalities are just some of the ways I’ve noticed people cope with beginning graduate school (particularly those of us who are younger). Maybe one of these you identify strongly with, maybe several of them, or maybe none at all. Maybe you’ve noticed a different type of personality that comes out in the beginning of grad school. Regardless, I’d love to hear where you’re at, because Wherever you are at in grad school is okay. Just being self aware can help you navigate and settle into things better. This has certainly been true of myself. Going into year 3 of graduate work, albeit year 1 in a new program, I feel more confident about myself and have transitioned back into my more natural idgaf what you think I’m not hiding myself, work smarter not harder ways (and I’m much happier here to be honest). At the end of the day, what’s most important is that I am happy with myself and my relationships with God and others. May we all strive to support each other as we work towards this type of contentment.

Exciting News!

In addition to many personal things that have happened contributing to the rollercoaster that has been this semester, something great happened today.

TODAY I GOT MY DISSERTATION CHAIR AND HONESTLY FEEL SO EXCITED AND BLESSED AND EAGER TO WORK ON MY DISSERTATION AGAIN!!!

Now the real work can begin! Wish me luck! If you have any tips please leave them below!

And now here’s a little bit of research humor for you all:

Self-Advocacy

There are a lot of things that I’m learning right now living on my own and at grad school; one of the biggest things I’m learning is about self-advocacy.

Now let me say this upfront: I do not like self-advocacy as it feels too much like conflict. By no means at i good at it yet. And I think that’s okay because I am certainly trying my best and I know I will get better at it as time goes on.

I think that I had several misconceptions going into this program. The first relating to the way my transfer items worked out (although I have some rising concern that I might be missing a form) as I had no say in the matter and was more or less guided through the process. This is not the case for forming my dissertation committee or beginning my 80-odd hour didactic therapy requirement.

Let’s face the fact that the transition to life on my own and 1,000 miles away from home has been very difficult for me. For the first third of the semester I was such a wreck that I couldn’t do much of anything–even take competency exams for assessments–without extreme anxiety. Unfortunately for me this makes it a double whammy that I need to seek out these two crucial elements to the program on my own while trying to get a job and licensure going.

But excuses are lame so I’ve spent the last couple of weeks building courage in myself. Or maybe rather I’ve gotten more accustomed to the anxiety and am able to Do The Things Anyways now when I couldn’t before. Regardless, I’m starting to tackle 2/3 of my Big Scary Tasks this week: talking to my academic advisor about figuring out what to take next semester and starting didactic therapy. My advisor is kind and wonderful, so he seemed like an easier way to start and build courage rather than blindly approaching professors and hoping they’ll help me do my research (which I’m having to adjust slightly, so I need to do more background research before I approach people anyways).

All in all though sending that email to meet with my advisor was terrifying for me to my very core. As small of a thing it may be for someone else. So I want to encourage you to take time to center yourself, pick one of the many mountains in front of you, and start climbing it. No matter how big or small it may appear in someone else’s eyes, it’s your mountain to conquer and that important and worth celebrating the achievements along the way. That is my prayer for everyone going into this week; courage, confidence, and centeredness. May you find it wherever you’re starting at and wherever you go.

M.A.

It’s done. I am officially graduated with my MA in Counseling Psychology.

It feels surreal still, almost two weeks since class ended. On the one hand my mind is going, wait you mean that’s it? There’s nothing else I had to do? And on the other hand I think, thank God that’s over! I am so ready to move on with my life.

It’s a weird balance. And maybe it feels different because I still have another five years of education ahead of me. But I really do think that the whole experience was a little overhyped. Was it hard? Absolutely! But it’s 100% totally and completely doable. Advanced degrees really exemplify the ways that education, particularly higher education, has more to do with privilege, opportunity, and connection than capabilities.

Through the highs and lows, I am happy to have walked through this journey with my cohort. They are not the extremely close and bonded family that I was told they would be, but that’s okay. They are my professional family and I am happy to say that I like, or at least am neutral, towards all but two of them. They will be great professionals. They will impact their communities. And I am excited to witness them make their marks on society.

Having completed my program with entirely A’s, I am proud of my hard work. Having completed my internship with the highest praise and remarks from my supervisor, I am humbled by my growth and hopeful for my future and competence. Having spent 30 hours each with most of my clients this year, I am honored and blessed to be a part of their stories.

While it’s terrifying and devastating to leave the only home I’ve ever known and the people I love most, I am excited to move forward and continue the journey.

Updated on housing to come! (It’s been rough)!

Decisions Made

Hello all! I’m here at the beginning of my last semester of my master program, totally freaking out, with commencement on Saturday and classes through July.

A while ago I decided on the school I want to attend for my doctorate. It was a difficult decision; all of my options were good so it felt like I couldn’t go wrong which makes it harder for me. After a lot of panicking and prayer, I decided on attending school in the LA area, which means I will be moving 1,000 miles away in August, and out of state for the first time in my life.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t having a hard time with it. My people, my life, it’s all here. This is my home and while I’m scared to leave it I’m counting on my best friend’s advice that this is likely the last time that I’ll be able to move out of state and minimize the consequences because I can just come home as soon as the program is done.

But I’m still nervous and terrified—I even delayed making my public announcement (though decision day was April 15) until last weekend because I still needed time to process and adjust to my choice. And honestly I think it’ll take every day until I move to truly have a grip on the whole thing (adjusting to change is not necessarily my forte). I just can’t believe I’m leaving my beautiful city of Seattle!

As of now my to do list (outside of current homework) has several major things with a lot of little things tied to them. But for now, here’s the biggies:

• Figure out California licensing laws and what I need to do to catch up
• Find a place (and possibly person) to live
• Graduate successfully
• Figure out transfer credits, registration, etc. for my new school

If anybody has any sort of suggestions in regards to any of these things, please let me know! Even just encouragement towards this semester since I have commencement months before I’m actually finished with school (they’re just asking for us to have senioritis, honestly). Hmu in the comments with your thoughts!

It’s Snowy in the Seattle Area & I’ve Been Thinking

Okay there’s been a lot going on. Like a lot. I’ve been thinking about academia as a whole, my individual situation, self-care, and basically had like five individual existential crises.  

I ended up doing extremely well on that test I mentioned. In fact I only missed one question (that was asking about the name of a dog… totally irrelevant to the subject). I realized that it’s unfair to students with different educational backgrounds to be throwing them into classes that rely heavily on context, like this research method class relies on social sciences specific statistics contextually. It’s also not fair to students who have to pay for the courses and can’t test out of them. 

I also realized that right now I’m sitting in a lot of good situations. My friends and family are amazing and so supportive. I’m doing well in school and am still generally enjoying my program. The situations that aren’t good are pretty stressful, but I know that I have an incredible support system to back me up no matter what I’m facing. 

But just having a good support isn’t enough, I need to be intentional about taking care of myself. I’ve realized that I’m really good at emergency self care and maintenance self care, but I’m pretty awful at preventative self care. So that’s going to be one of the things that I try to work on for myself this year. 

It’s been a crazy month. Basically January was mostly bad and last week was a rollercoaster at best. I’ve been getting through conversations, moments, and days with the resounding question: “what am I even doing here” echoing through my mind. The incredibly gorgeous and magically perfect snow has also upped my pensiveness the last day or so. 

So what am I even doing here? 

It’s such a big question that the idea of finding as answer always overwhelms me. But somehow God always provides one. Something that I don’t think ever clicked for me when I signed up for grad school was how much I’d be giving up besides financials. I lack free time, I rarely get to see my family and close friends, I’m missing out on all the normal 20-year-old things, I can’t make as much money as I’d like to, I’m always exhausted and stressed (shoutout to my friends and family for loving and hanging out with a grumpy me anyways), I have a hard time fitting in with my cohort because of age differences and my natural shyness… many people my age tell me that it’s incredible that I already “know what I’m doing” when in fact I have no clue at all. I’ve simply selected a career path that I believe God called me too. But that calling was so long ago sometimes I forget it or wonder if I’m capable and doing the right thing. I feel that way about the youth group I volunteer at all the time. And yet every time I have doubts or want to quit because it would be so much easier, God always provides. He always gives me peace, reminders that He and I are in this together and that I’m trying the best I can. He tells me that if I wasn’t doing what He wanted, He would tell me and make it clear. 

And that’s really all I can do. Walk with God, listen for His voice, and try my best. I still don’t always know what I’m doing in general or with my life, but I have faith that God will make everything clear to me in time. He’s in control, and until then I’ll keep on keeping on in my daily life until He tells me my next steps. 

A Fault in the System

I’m sure some of you can relate to this. 

I was fortunate enough to go to a college with an exceptional undergraduate psychology program. I learned so much and felt incredibly prepared for grad school when I graduated last June. 

Not all people were fortunate enough to get that quality of education, and many people in graduate school majored in a different area and have to start from scratch. 

What does all of this add up to? A combination of educational backgrounds and needs that needs to be leveled out. 

What does that look like in my program? Well several other students and I are frustrated and unmotivated because we have to retake courses we already completed and sit through hours of course material and assignments that we already know and have completed in our past work. And on the other end of the spectrum, some students are frustrated because they are lacking context and other relevant information that makes some of the classes we’re taking important and worthwhile. 

It’s frustrating—I don’t really know a way to solve the problem (testing out is not an option at any program that I’ve heard of) and I’m really struggling to get motivated and get my work done ​this semester. All this sunshine and warmer temperatures we’ve been having here in Washington isn’t helping either. 😉

Has anybody else experienced this? How do you motivate yourself to repeat assignments, readings, and classes? How do you cope with missing information your program assumes you know? 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for friends and family and my dog who love me unconditionally and always welcome me with open arms. 

I am thankful for all of the professors and teachers that I have ever had and will have that have influenced me. Especially the ones who influenced me and inspired me for the better. 

I am thankful for the financial ability and to go to the college of my dreams and to go to graduate school immediately afterwards. 

I am thankful for running start in helping to make all of that possible as well. 

I am thankful for my school for allowing me to pursue an MACP there with my cohort. 

I am thankful for all of the friends and family who helped me and continue to help me along the way as I continue my education. 

I am thankful for the God of the universe for creating me and designing this world and all the plans for my life. 

I hope I never forget all of these things and the millions of other reasons why I am thankful and blessed my God.