I’ve been desperately trying to figure out what made this last year of school memorable (in both good and bad ways), and what my first year of grad school has taught me, over the course of these past few weeks. And this is how I’ve felt:
I know I grew, stretched, changed as a person. Yet I’m struggling to pinpoint those areas of my life. Frankly when I think about this last year really all I feel like is this:
I don’t feel like extraordinary things have been accomplished or like I’ve changed that much (although I’m sure I have) but rather I just feel like the “training wheels” of college are gone and I’m just doing it live (for lack of a better phrase).
I’d like to say I’m proud of my work, that I feel accomplished, that I’m satisfied, but that’s not where I’m at right now. Instead I feel anxious, overqualified educationally yet ill equipped practically, and stagnant.
And when I think back on this year, purely from an academic standpoint, it was easier than I thought it’d be. Instead my struggles came from my personal life: loneliness and isolation, financials, moving back home, close mentors moving thousands of miles away. I haven’t been able to be the same quality of friend as I used to be and that frustrates me and makes me feel like a failure (because even though I’ve been single at least I’ve had strong, good quality friendships) as I can’t invest in the same ways during this period of my life.
Truthfully it just feels like I’m holding a lot of the pieces of my life and putting them on hold for now—which I have to admit I sort of expected but didn’t know how exactly that would look. This month of summer has been restless for me though as I contemplate and try to cope with everything. I’m excited to keep growing. I’m excited to be continuing. I know God has good things in store for me. I’m just hoping to keep the anxiety/existential dread at bay for the time being, and hopefully next year I’ll have better lessons to share when I make my reflection post.
Featured image is not mine but focuses on a lyric from the song King of My Heart which has been inspiring to me as of late in my faith walk and the rest of my life.