Yes (fml) but my last class is in less than 24 hours PRAISE THE LORD ON HIGH! Grad School: Year One is about to be over and done! This semester particularly has been thought provoking for me, it’s stretched me and grown me in ways I didn’t expect.
In all honesty, lately I’ve been struggling. I feel like I’m being pulled in a lot of different directions. I still remain entirely myself, but learning about how I apply myself in new situations and certain circumstances is tricky for me. I guess you could say that I’m having a difficult time trying to identify all of the different hats that I have (get?) to wear in life.
I want to know where I’m going. I want to know God’s plans (something I’ve struggled with my entire life). I don’t like sitting and taking things one day at a time. I want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m going to actually be somebody, like all the people around me somehow “know” I’m going to be. And I want to know what it means to be somebody, for me. How will I achieve that?
I must admit (though this should not come as a surprise to anybody) I’m highly motivated and goal oriented. I like achievements and conquering challenges. It makes me feel useful and I typically get enjoyment out of it. This is great for meeting, exceeding, and setting new worldly standards. It does, however, get in the way of my relationship with Christ. I mean, it’s not really possible to set increasingly larger, incremental, measurable goals with faith. Goals are accomplished, but faith grows. And while we can see signs of growth, exactly how anything looks as it continues to grow is unpredictable (think like plants–leaves are good, moving upwards is good, but you don’t know which way the branches will sprout, how tall or wide it will be, etc). And so I worry about getting stuck in my own achievement mindset; achievements made while ignoring God’s will are done in vain. And I want to live a life of purpose.
So if I had to sum up what I learned about myself this semester, that would be it: I want to live a life of purpose. Always.
I’ll write up some big thing about the whole school year soon, hopefully! ✌🏼